Adventures in Dating Land

It always sucks when you reevaluate your current love life situation, and you find that you either have none or one you’d rather not have. We’ve all been here, of course…yet somehow we all look around us and find we are surrounded by throngs of “happy”, simpering couples. They hang all over each other, they kiss, they hug, they do ALL this in public places…and the rest of us daydream about ramming forks through these people that have seemingly popped from the pages of a romance novel.

Are we missing something here? I’ve been in both positions, of course. Sad to say, yes, I admit to being the simpering lovestruck maiden, swooning with her boytoy on the streetcorner. It’s the lights, it’s the romance…you get swept up in it. Ah, amore! Who can blame anyone for being sappily ecstatic about being in love? Since, when you aren’t, you’re absolutely miserable?

Even, it seems, when you seem to have options. My current three prospects are as follows:

  1. Boy 1: A Jewish CSE major who spends quite a bit of his time working, thus has quite the amount of dough to throw around. Our first date, he took me to a VERY posh, upscale place in the trendy district of the city. This generally makes me very uncomfortable…and it did. I can appreciate being treated like royalty, but being the burgers and pizza girl I am, I haven’t quite grown into the fine dining persona just yet. He is, however, decently clever and a good conversationalist, as well as an obvious romantic. Other drawbacks: His one and ONLY relationship, which ended last year, was a 4 year stint…of which he found necessary to fill me in on the first time we started talking. I’m cutting him slack because he obviously has little experience in the actual dating field…but come on. That’s Dating No-Nos 101.
  2. Boy 2 is a person I’ve been seeing on and off for a few months now. We had actually parted on somewhat ill terms the last time we spoke, which was a month or so ago…but he wound up in my English class this quarter. Thus, for civility and lack of awkwardness’s sake, we’ve decided to reconcile. However, part of the reason I saw fit to stop seeing him in the first place is our very strong physical connection….one I was having a very hard time controlling in the first place. I have no desire to take it past this, or be in a relationship, but morally I’d be against just getting with someone for the sake of. However…10 weeks with this guy may crush my resolve.
  3. The final boy is either a supreme piece of work, or I’m a complete loony. We had our first date on Wednesday: This guy also has a bit of money to throw around (but not Jewish). Software programmer, out of school obviously. CUTE as hell, and great at the conversation without all the awkward dating no-no faux pas. He is certainly my favorite of the three, and the one that I could see real relationship potential going on.

However, the end of what I thought was a very successful date proved potentially disasterous, due to the one little phrase that can cause so much devastation, like the amount of plutonium to an atom bomb: “This was fun…we should do it again sometime.”

This is a veritable death wish to all single girls who have finally gone out with someone they feel they could get close to. This is the phrase that has kept Ben and Jerry in business so long. Women spend days overanalyzing this simplest of phrases, but what it comes down to 80% of the time that he’s really just not interested.

And in a weird way, I get it. Because how rude would it be to say “Well, this was actually pretty lame and I don’t really think we should plan another date.” But to build up a girls’ expectations only to have her glued to her phone for the next two weeks and crying in a tub of cookie dough…there’s still something very wrong with this picture.

I don’t have any solutions…honestly, that’s not my job. Because right now, I’m that girl, hoping that it was just a slipped up misunderstanding and I’ll be hearing from him before next Wednesday (the one week grace period in which to call again…any later than that and the chances are next to nil that he’s even going to bother). I’m still that girl wondering why the one guy I actually like the most seems to be, at least at the moment, the least interested. Why this always happens, and when the madness will end. Until then, I’ll content myself with voodoo dolls of all those “From Here to Eternity” clones that surround me.

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I can officially say “Hey, it’s been a while” to this blog. And officially feel creepy and a little disturbed with myself that I’m talking to a free form inanimate infrastructure. But we’ll go with it.

This is the year 2009. When I was in the theatre for “The Spirit”- (HORRIBLE movie by the way…Frank Miller really let down a nation of avid fans with that debauchery) I saw a preview for the movie “2012.” For those of you who haven’t been scared pantless by this forthcoming prophecy, this is the year that apparently the apocalypse is finally paying a visit. An eternal visit…mwahah. (Sorry, couldn’t resist)

Now, although my personal beliefs would conclude that this is not a feasible ending of the world, I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed that Hollywood would exploit Nostradamus and the ancient Mayan prophecies in this way. Aren’t there certain subjects that are off-limits anymore? (Oh wait, I forgot…any farce considering Messiah Obama.)

But what mass amount of egg would be on the face of someone who made that movie, only to wait three years and some catastropic, globally altering event WOULD happen? I think we’re talking eggs benedict here. At least one good thing can be said for this upcoming film…there’s no chance of a sequel.

Secondly, I believe I made the crossover during my winter break; from idiot savant nerd to fully initiated and informed nerdery. This came from a combination of three things:

  1. Seeing more movies than any human should be allowed.
  2. Devloping a THESIS on why I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer (not written, currently in my head).
  3. Reaching level 50 on my lock at WoW (and listening to a WoW podcast…AND understanding about 60% of what they were saying

How on earth will I ever find a man?

One positive productive thing I did accomplish over break was taking up running. I’ve got to say, there is a level of freedom to just moving and breathing. Going just to go. It’s this wild, uninhibited independence that we so rarely get out of life. (And when we do it usually has to be planned on our calendar.)

I think I’m having trouble keeping one train of thought. If I said “story of my life,” would anyone be surprised?

Goals for the week:

  1. Finish a chapter.
  2. Run a mile (without the speedwalking intervals)
  3. Punctually finish all assignments for the next week thoroughly. (Lord, that sounded pretty chotchy. But the intent is still there.)

A conversation I  had very recently has been circulating in my thoughts constantly. I can’t get rid of it. It’s like this insect in my ear.

Alright, in all honesty I just wrote a novel more or less degrading the entire gender of man. But I’m not quite Eve Ensler yet. So we’re cutting this short because by launching into said rant, I’d be berating someone who I’m not quite sure would honestly deserve it (only about 35% at this point…not enough to justify a rant.) So we’ll keep it simple.

  1. Change, change, change. Things have to change. I feel like the wheels are turning and nothing is being produced. And I think I have decided that I am in no way, shape or form in a place to accept the lesser side of the species into my life in a relational way. There is so much I have to work on and fix and alter and tweak in myself, I can’t do that to some poor schlob.
  2. This change needs to involve three parts: First being a strive towards independence. I need to get out of my parents’ house. This has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the fact that I’m losing my adulthood, and losing the last bit of youth that I can actually couple with independence for the shortest sprig of time. I need to get this back.
  3. Next part is an altering of my personality. Or more specifically…a return to the person of old. I feel like I’ve de-evolved in my persona, and that needs to change. I don’t really like the person that I am now, and that didn’t use to be the case.
  4. Last part is figuring out where I want to go. In life. And really, I’ve got about…six weeks to decide that. And I’m starting to realize that I have completely neglected what I had wanted for 18 years until I started college…and the fact that I forgot about it might be a factor in my current decline.

Also, sidenote, but since the election is winding down and College Republicans isn’t as active, I’ve decided to join the OSU One Campaign. Mostly because they are awesome and poverty is not. So, there you go.

“How happy are the blameless vessels’ lot, the world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, every pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.” -Alexander Pope

Weren’t we all told a whole lot of lies as a kid? Mostly about love. At least, that’s what I think about. It’s all a big conspiracy. Valentine’s Day, (now another tacked on with Sweetest Day, like we needed ANOTHER holiday to wallow in our loneliness.) Or maybe it’s not a conspiracy. Maybe it’s a bunch of people that want to believe something really is true. If we didn’t believe in love, what would we believe in? If we were certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that love was a lie and that no one can ever really be happy, what would there be to live for? Money? Careers? All temporary. Not lasting. Not fulfilling. Not something that can hold you in the middle of the night when you’re scared or sad. Not something you can take stupid pictures with and laugh about the same things a million times and for whatever reason it keeps getting funnier.

If we didn’t believe in love, in one way or another, we wouldn’t have a reason to live.

Because that’s got to be the only reason I keep going. I mean, let’s look at the tally:

  1. Boy 1- I was a doof and broke his heart.
  2. Boy 2- Had no business dating that creep in the first place, and he undeservedly had the opportunity to break my heart.
  3. Boy 3- Please. Really? I mean…he was just a shnicklefritz. WHO picks a fight with someone WITH their family on Thanksgiving Day?! Moreover, WHO in God’s name comes to meet their girlfriends’ FAMILY in SWEATPANTS?!
  4. Boy 4/Boy 5- Let’s just say….six years of on and off drama between me and 4, the first five being him treating me like a reusable washcloth and the sixth being me unconsciously retaliating with an attempt at Boy 5….pretty much an unsalvagable shipwreck with no survivors.
  5. Boy 6- Almost as bad as 3 except for the fact that my parents actually liked him…that is, before he stomped all over me with sickeningly sweet lies and his utter cowardice.

That’s all within the span of three years. Three to four, actually…but still. I’m not counting any high school relationships, because that was mostly all about me being a flirt and a tease, and nothing is ever serious in high school unless you’re an emotionally stunted idiot.

Why is it that I can never concentrate on what I should be doing? I should be working…yet I’m doing this. I should not be thinking about romance or men at all because I should be focused on school and moving out of my parents’ house (for good.) But I’m lost in all this. I want to be more than that. Is this all women really are, a product of their emotions? Lead around by hormones. Hormone slaves; just like men but without the raging libidos and the emotional maturity of teaspoons.

Have you ever noticed how dead romance is? That brings me back to conspiracy theory. Movies, books, etc….they’re full of random chances and fate and romantic dialogue and flirtatiousness. Real life doesn’t involve any of that. It’s all blunt and cold and devoid of poetry. Do musicians ever even mean the words they write anymore? Or were they too scared to say them at the time, and every song is just filled with the regret at what could have been?

If I had time to write things, I’d talk about how tired I am.

How I’m home a total of six hours a day now, and almost all of said time is spent sleeping.

How school is already completely killing me and we aren’t even to midterms.

How some people really do never change, and thank God I’m not one of them.

How I really do think I believe in fate…and consequentially had a fantastic Friday night, a stellar Monday night and a pretty (phantasmic) tonight.

How life is…and that I actually feel like I’m piecing one together again.

I’d say all this if I wasn’t so busy actually having one of those lives. Hopefully I’ll be able to write more when I have a larger block of time, but as it is now almost midnight and I still have an assignment to finish before I get my four to five hours of sleep, I should leave you all to your own lives. Enjoy.

My inbox is full.

This is one of the main reasons that I love the start of school. You start to feel a part of the world again. Summer floats by in a haze of late nights and good memories, but at the end it almost feels like a dream. Being back in the real world is exhausting and frustrating, but it also gives a sense of purpose. You set goals, draw up schedules, plan to accomplish and try new things.

It’s already Thursday and I’m completely spent.

I think most of it has to do with not feeling well. It’s not really a full blown sickness, but just enough to make me feel crappy all day and too exhausted to sleep at night so it’s even worse the next day. I’m looking forward to the blissful sleeping in of the coveted Saturday morning approaching. What’s worse is that I can’t change my schedule if I wanted to; my work week is ironclad and I need the money badly, so I can’t cut hours. And right after that is school. I’m getting up at 6 every day and not going home until 6 or 7, even later if I have some kind of social thing afterward.

But I sound like I’m complaining. Once I’m no longer sick, it won’t be so bad. Even fun. I like my class schedule and I like my plans and goals. And I like having an inbox full of e-mails to go to and respond to. It finally gives me something to do after a whole summer of going line dancing and watching Buffy.

I will, on an unrelated topic, say something that is currently bugging the crap out of me. Well, two things. Make it three.

First being the state of our nation’s economy. I think the expression “are you kidding me” doesn’t even begin to cover it. I finally got a full understanding of just how exactly the two biggest mortgage companies in the world more or less imploded while I was in my Poli Sci class yesterday. It’s some pretty jaw dropping stuff. But these people are supposed to be the brightest in the nation. Obviously they’ve got to be worthy candidates somehow, to be put in charge of thousands of loans and mortgages. Wasn’t there ONE point in the past TWO decades where somebody hit the brakes and said “Hey, guys, ummm we probably should just get rid of these loans before they go any higher. This has the potential to do some really bad stuff if we’re getting all these companies to invest in these crap loans.” NO ONE?! What the crap are they doing up there in New York that would keep them from realizing the potential economic blackhole they were sucking our nation into?

And another thing. I’m pretty sick of hearing that George W. is the one who is RESPONSIBLE for this economic crisis. I’m not the biggest fan of Bush, don’t get me wrong. But this crisis the financial, economical, AND political result of over TWENTY years of faulty loans from loan sellers. This cycle has been going on forever, under both Republican and Democratic rule. So just because you don’t like Bush, don’t tack yet another failure on to him when this is not his cross to bear, but the people over at Fannie and Freddie.

And for that matter, where does Obama’s campaign and the liberal media (cough MSNBC cough) get off accusing McCain of withdrawing from the first debate some kind of political stunt? I assume the angle taken is that he’s going for the “look how much I care, I’m such a nice guy who’s so concerned about our nation” approach. Here’s my question…so what if he is? I just about broke the television when I heard Obama say that “a presidential debate is what we really need right now.” As far as I’m concerned, what we REALLY need right now is a strategy that will keep my parents and my own retirement funds safe, help me and my kids’ finish college and not be living in Hoovervilles in the next ten years. I really don’t need to hear you call Sarah Palin a pig again, Barack. I need you to get your butt in Congress and start taking some action…you know, like the kind you have thus far failed to take at ALL during your entire RUN of congress? Mostly because you’ve been done…what? Campaigning for president the entire time?

A TRULY worthy candidate for president would care more about the state of the nation’s affairs than winning a popularity contest. McCain’s views on the energy crisis, civil unions and the war are something I’m not entirely in agreement with, but I do have respect for a man who will intentionally jepordize his election into office because he is aware that there is more at stake in this country than the election.

The insanity appears to be kicking in. I’ve been stuck at home for two weeks. And school doesn’t start until the 24th. Dear lord.

Thankfully, a road trip to see Robin at school on Friday will be a fun little break from the madness. A little fun, a little craziness…possibly a brawl with a sorority girl or two. Just what I need.

For those of you on the edge of your seats regarding my romantic life…get out the pitchforks and the copies of Cosmo. The boy has left the building.

Every passing day I grow a little more aggravated with my living situation… even more so that I realize that it’s my own fault I’m in it in the first place. I have a plan though, a very good one…if I can just survive for six more months.

I must say I will be very happy to have something else to do with my time than sulk and watch reruns of Buffy (not that I ever get tired of the Buffster, of course.) I’ve tried to write…but I’m not so much in the mood to write, except for a few blurbs in the more depressing or angry scenes. Unfortunately, I think one really has to be in the right frame of mind to write, and I’m just not there right now.

One bit of good news: I’m thinking of a new tattoo. I’ve been toying around with the idea of white ink- very faint, so it would look more like a scar than a tat. But I’m playing around with some kind of cross on my wrist, and possibly incorporating a word or phrase in there somewhere. It’d be the only obviously visible tattoo I have, and for obvious reasons. Of course, IF I get it, it’ll probably be at least a year or two in the making, I’ve got to firm down the design and then sit with it for a while to make sure the idea sticks. But it is something to think about for the future.

This is just a random thoughts entry…my thoughts are a bit too focused on a bit too personal of topics for me to get specific. I will say, however, that I truly wish adults would just be honest with their kids about what life is really like, instead of building up this elaborate fantasy world that comes crashing down the moment you step into adulthood. And good night.