Adventures in Dating Land

Archive for October 2008

A conversation I  had very recently has been circulating in my thoughts constantly. I can’t get rid of it. It’s like this insect in my ear.

Alright, in all honesty I just wrote a novel more or less degrading the entire gender of man. But I’m not quite Eve Ensler yet. So we’re cutting this short because by launching into said rant, I’d be berating someone who I’m not quite sure would honestly deserve it (only about 35% at this point…not enough to justify a rant.) So we’ll keep it simple.

  1. Change, change, change. Things have to change. I feel like the wheels are turning and nothing is being produced. And I think I have decided that I am in no way, shape or form in a place to accept the lesser side of the species into my life in a relational way. There is so much I have to work on and fix and alter and tweak in myself, I can’t do that to some poor schlob.
  2. This change needs to involve three parts: First being a strive towards independence. I need to get out of my parents’ house. This has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the fact that I’m losing my adulthood, and losing the last bit of youth that I can actually couple with independence for the shortest sprig of time. I need to get this back.
  3. Next part is an altering of my personality. Or more specifically…a return to the person of old. I feel like I’ve de-evolved in my persona, and that needs to change. I don’t really like the person that I am now, and that didn’t use to be the case.
  4. Last part is figuring out where I want to go. In life. And really, I’ve got about…six weeks to decide that. And I’m starting to realize that I have completely neglected what I had wanted for 18 years until I started college…and the fact that I forgot about it might be a factor in my current decline.

Also, sidenote, but since the election is winding down and College Republicans isn’t as active, I’ve decided to join the OSU One Campaign. Mostly because they are awesome and poverty is not. So, there you go.

“How happy are the blameless vessels’ lot, the world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, every pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d.” -Alexander Pope

Weren’t we all told a whole lot of lies as a kid? Mostly about love. At least, that’s what I think about. It’s all a big conspiracy. Valentine’s Day, (now another tacked on with Sweetest Day, like we needed ANOTHER holiday to wallow in our loneliness.) Or maybe it’s not a conspiracy. Maybe it’s a bunch of people that want to believe something really is true. If we didn’t believe in love, what would we believe in? If we were certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that love was a lie and that no one can ever really be happy, what would there be to live for? Money? Careers? All temporary. Not lasting. Not fulfilling. Not something that can hold you in the middle of the night when you’re scared or sad. Not something you can take stupid pictures with and laugh about the same things a million times and for whatever reason it keeps getting funnier.

If we didn’t believe in love, in one way or another, we wouldn’t have a reason to live.

Because that’s got to be the only reason I keep going. I mean, let’s look at the tally:

  1. Boy 1- I was a doof and broke his heart.
  2. Boy 2- Had no business dating that creep in the first place, and he undeservedly had the opportunity to break my heart.
  3. Boy 3- Please. Really? I mean…he was just a shnicklefritz. WHO picks a fight with someone WITH their family on Thanksgiving Day?! Moreover, WHO in God’s name comes to meet their girlfriends’ FAMILY in SWEATPANTS?!
  4. Boy 4/Boy 5- Let’s just say….six years of on and off drama between me and 4, the first five being him treating me like a reusable washcloth and the sixth being me unconsciously retaliating with an attempt at Boy 5….pretty much an unsalvagable shipwreck with no survivors.
  5. Boy 6- Almost as bad as 3 except for the fact that my parents actually liked him…that is, before he stomped all over me with sickeningly sweet lies and his utter cowardice.

That’s all within the span of three years. Three to four, actually…but still. I’m not counting any high school relationships, because that was mostly all about me being a flirt and a tease, and nothing is ever serious in high school unless you’re an emotionally stunted idiot.

Why is it that I can never concentrate on what I should be doing? I should be working…yet I’m doing this. I should not be thinking about romance or men at all because I should be focused on school and moving out of my parents’ house (for good.) But I’m lost in all this. I want to be more than that. Is this all women really are, a product of their emotions? Lead around by hormones. Hormone slaves; just like men but without the raging libidos and the emotional maturity of teaspoons.

Have you ever noticed how dead romance is? That brings me back to conspiracy theory. Movies, books, etc….they’re full of random chances and fate and romantic dialogue and flirtatiousness. Real life doesn’t involve any of that. It’s all blunt and cold and devoid of poetry. Do musicians ever even mean the words they write anymore? Or were they too scared to say them at the time, and every song is just filled with the regret at what could have been?

If I had time to write things, I’d talk about how tired I am.

How I’m home a total of six hours a day now, and almost all of said time is spent sleeping.

How school is already completely killing me and we aren’t even to midterms.

How some people really do never change, and thank God I’m not one of them.

How I really do think I believe in fate…and consequentially had a fantastic Friday night, a stellar Monday night and a pretty (phantasmic) tonight.

How life is…and that I actually feel like I’m piecing one together again.

I’d say all this if I wasn’t so busy actually having one of those lives. Hopefully I’ll be able to write more when I have a larger block of time, but as it is now almost midnight and I still have an assignment to finish before I get my four to five hours of sleep, I should leave you all to your own lives. Enjoy.